Neanderthals - Back After a Short Absence by Gerhard von Squid

Thanks to The Guardian 

Title: Neanderthals - Back After a Short Absence 

Author: Gerhard von Squid 

Publisher: Not known 

Source book: Lost in a Good Book by Jasper Fforde 

‘The Neanderthal experiment was simultaneously the high and low point of the genetic revolution. Successful in that a long-dead cousin of Homo sapiens was brought back from extinction, yet a failure in that the scientists, so happy to gaze upon their experiments from their ever lofty ivory towers, had not seen so far as to consider the social implications that a new species of man might command in a world unvisited by their like for over thirty millennia. It was little surprise that so many of the Neanderthals felt confused and unprepared for the pressures of modern life. It was Homo sapiens at his least sapient.’

‘The Neanderthal experiment was conceived in order to create the euphemistically entitled “medical test vessels “, living creatures that were as close as possible to humans without at being human within the context of the law. Re-engineered from cells discovered in a Homo Llysternef neanderthalensis forearm preserved in a peat bog near Llysternef in Wales, the experiment was an unparalleled success. Sadly for Goliath, even the hardiest of medical technicians balked at experiments conducted on intelligent and speaking entities, so the first batch of Neanderthals were trained instead as  “expendable combat units”, a project that was shelved as soon as the lack of aggressive instincts in the Neanderthal was noted. They were subsequently released into the community as cheap labour and became a celebrated tax write-off. Infertile males and a lifespan of fifty years meant they would soon be relegated to the re-engineerment industries’ ever-growing list of “failures”.’

‘Contrary to popular belief, Neanderthals are not stupid. Poor reading and writing skills are due to fundamental differences in visual acuity - in humans it is called dyslexia. Facial acuity in Neanderthals, however, is highly developed - the same silence might have thirty or more different meanings depending on how you looked. “Neanderthal English” has a richness and meaning that are lost on the relatively facially blind human. Because of this highly developed facial grammar, Neanderthals instinctively know when someone is lying - hence their total lack of interest in plays, films or politicians. They like stories read out loud and speak of the weather a great deal - another area in which they are expert. They never throw anything away and love tools, especially power tools. Of the three channels allocated to Neanderthals, two of them show nothing but woodworking programmes.’

Gerhard von Squid has much to say in his history of the modern Neanderthal experience.

Thursday Next lives in a world where Dodos and Thylacines (Tasmanian Tigers) have been brought back from extinction; Thursday has a Dodo called Pickwick. Dodos and Thylacines are animals so perhaps it was OK to bring them back to life, but was it really acceptable for the Goliath Corporation to bring back sentient Neanderthal people? 

Neanderthals are very good abstract painters but won’t sell to anyone who doesn’t understand the painting. They refer to themselves as ‘we’ rather than ‘I’, and are deeply sad that they cannot have children. Some play croquet to World Croquet League standard.

Thanks to The Times