Inne Juste 7 Dayes I wille make You a Barbearian Hero! by Cohen the Barbearean

Thanks to Geek Tyrant 

Title: Inne Juste 7 Dayes I wille make You a Barbearian Hero!

Author: Cohen the Barbarean 

Publisher: not known 

Source book: Sourcery by Terry Pratchett (Discworld #5)

Sourcery tells us about a sourcerer [sic]; the wizards of Unseen University; Conina, daughter of Cohen the Barbarian; Nijel the Destroyer, son of Harebut the Provision Merchant (sometimes Harebut the Mighty), and poor old Rincewind, as usual dealing with a terrifying crisis that’s nothing to do with him.

Nijel is fed up with stacking parsnips for the family business. He buys, at great expense, he tells us, the book Inne Juste 7 Dayes I wille make You a Barbearian Hero! It’s supposed to be by Cohen the Barbarian but we know he can’t write, and signs documents with an X so we have to assume there’s a ghost writer involved.

Nijel studies the book carefully, even learns some of the chapters off by heart, but misses out chapter six because he promised his mum he would stick with just the looting and the pillaging, and sets out to be rather polite barbarian hero. There’s a section on how to choose your name (hence Nijel the Destroyer) and he learns some interesting swordplay. He fights off some harem guards with a complicated move called the Triple Orcthrust with Extra Flip. Well, the guards pause to admire the gymnastics, and the exciting fashion Nijel’s sword ends up embedded in the ceiling. I guess people learn things off YouTube in the same sort of way don’t they? Nijel has also learned all about boobytraps: chapter 14 has illustrations.

Also featuring in Sourcery are Maleficio’s Discouverie of Demonology, a first edition of the Necrotelicomicon, The True Arte of Levitatione, Ge Fordge’s Compenydyum of Sex Majick and Woddeley’s Occult Primer which is a first textbook for young wizards.

And there’s Casplock’s Compleet Lexicon of Majik with Precepts for the Wise and Broomfog’s Anima Unnaturale which has a description of the chimera: ‘it have thee legges of an mermade, the hair of an tortoise, the teeth of an fowel, and the winges of an snake. Of course I have only my worde for it, the beast having the breathe of a furnace and the temperament of a rubber balloon in an hurricane.’ Hmmn, I do rather wonder if the writer ever saw a chimera? Not much of a chance now because it seems the Luggage may have eaten the very last one.

Wellcome to Ankh-Morpork, Citie of One Thousand Surprises is a handy publication produced by the Ankh-Morpork Merchants’ Guild. It describes the area of the city known as The Shades as a ‘folklorique network of old alleys and picturesque streets, wherre exitment and romans lurked arounde everry corner and much may be heard the traditinal street cries of old time also the laughing visages of the denuizens as they goe about their business private’. Make of that what you will. And if you have visited the Discworld before you will know what this means.

Finally, there’s mention of a book consulted by a genie, a Fullomyth. It’s an invaluable aid for all whose business is with the arcane and hermetic. It has lists of things that don’t exist. Some of the pages can only be read after midnight, or by strange and improbable illuminations. Obviously normal people can’t just run out and buy one from the local bookstore.

Thanks to Conan Animation