Five Hours and Sixteen Minutes Among the Goblins of Far Uberwald by JP Bunderbell

Thanks to Tranmere Rovers 

Title: Five Hours and Sixteen Minutes Among the Goblins of Far Uberwald

Author: JP Bunderbell

Publisher: Not known 

Source book: Unseen Academicals by Terry Pratchett (Discworld #37)

There are very few copies of Five Hours and Sixteen Minutes Among the Goblins of Far Uberwald in existence; but there is one in the catalogue of Lady Margolotta’s library at the castle in Uberwald.

In his lecture to the Ankh-Morpork Trespassers’ Society, the anthropologist JP Bunderbell said that his visit doesn’t sound very long, but it was at least five hours too long. Apparently goblins range from unpleasantly large to disgustingly small and had about the same level of culture as yoghurt. Conclusion: goblins are a complete waste of space.

Mr Nutt was nothing, he knew nothing and understood nothing until Lady Margolotta encouraged him to be the best he could. And gave him the run of her library.

He read Brakefast’s Compendium of Odours in 22 volumes, Spout’s Trumpet of Equestrianism, a dictionary of Dwarfish, and Postalume’s The Speech of Trolls.

And The Doors of Deception by Fussbinder, which contains a handy method of self-hypnotism (questions asked in a mild Uberwaldian accent appear to put the patient at ease), and Avon Kladpoll’s book on the analysis of the hidden mind; Doppelte Berührungssempfindung. 

Then there’s Trousenblert’s Der Selbst uberschritten durch das Ganze which was translated by WEG Goodnight as In Search of the Whole. Unfortunately the translation is marred by the fact that throughout bewußtseinsschwelle is mistranslated as haircut. 

The Effluence of Reality by Von Sliss, Das Nichts des Wissens by Herr Frugal, Great Spoons of the World and Ofleberger’s Die Wesentlichen Ungewissheiten Zugehörig der Offenkundigen Mänlichkeit. Plus Ritual Aggression in Pubescent Rats by Dr Vonmausberger.

Mr Nutt, the Orc who thought he was a Goblin until he read ORC (which was kept in a carefully locked cupboard so he couldn’t get at it), has certainly read a great many books. There’s also a copy of ORC in the library at Unseen University. It’s a black book with the title in silver, and it’s illustrated with vomit-inducing woodcuts.

Mr Nutt had also read Schnouzentintle’s book The Obedience of Disobedience so he knew that everyone disobeys the rules. So he did too. That’s how he came to read the book hidden in the locked cupboard. But he overcame the knowledge that everyone is terrified of Orcs to become a football coach for the new team at Unseen University. And designed a new football too.

Thanks to Play Up Liverpool